Personal

When In Doubt Write It Out.

2EEE192F-F186-4152-875C-979419A39236.pngHey Guys!

So today my blog wont be full of emotion but better yet just a little about me.

Why Do I Blog?

Okay, so I will make a long story short. One night I was up at like 4 a.m., I always wake up at this time, and when I do so I start praying and writing.  After I prayed, and finished up my journal entry, I began to scroll through Instagram. I came across an old classmate of mines page, and checked out her blog. I watched her style of writing and how I could hear her voice through her words. I thought of myself. She was open, she was real and most importantly she was herself. From that moment, I prayed on my decisions called a friend of mine and made the final decision to blog. She inspired me to write. She provided me with and inadequate amount of information, she didn’t withhold anything from me, because we are both different! I wasn’t copying her, I was inspired by her, what she talks about isn’t what I talk about. We both have different stories. Her story will never be mine and my story will never be hers.

As said im the Author of MY STORY.

I felt as if my voice alone wasn’t enough, I struggled with expressing myself and being open. I felt like I wasn’t myself, I struggled with my identity. I wasn’t comfortable with my identity. I allowed others to be my God and speak for me and think for me.

Yes! not being yourself is real!

How did I start?

So, I asked my series of questions and did my research. I spoke with my sister almost everyday, she educated me on how to be consistent with my blogs, post something at a certain time and stick with it, and have our photos done early. (Yeaaa my photos are never done on time) lol but hey I’m still working this out here. So I download WordPress and started from there, I used all of my notes from my phone and began to post. No I never went to school to write, and Yes! I’m amateur as everrrrrr, but it works for me, writing has become very theruapic for me, I literally have a peace of mind. It’s like my escape from the word. I’m expressing myself and that is like so REFRESHING!

But I say all of this because blogging has been my outlet, I feel that more people should write even if you don’t plan on sharing it with the public, write something to yourself.

Release those bottled up emotions!

I encourage you guys to get a journal, planner, cellphone what ever it is and express your thoughts! You let me know how you feel afterwards.

With Love, Chass

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Self Love

Baggage Claim.

Emotional Baggage..

The things that we hold on to like past hurt, disappointments, betrayal, and lies all becomes apart of our baggage. Sometimes its quite embarrassing and it often affects are relationships. Who wants to deal with someone who has so much baggage?

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Most Guys Run.

But what about the one who decides to stay? and help you through your emotional time? It’s not easy to get rid of the baggage that we carry, the baggage that has been on our back for so long, sometimes we just need that emotional support to let go.. We blame Chris for everything dirty Tyrone did, now Chris is stuck trying to fix a heart he didn’t break.. he has the choice to opt out and leave this broken girl alone. I just feel that it’s not fair to have someone clean up a mess they didn’t create…

So what about the guy who will stay?

If he stays, then are you willing to change? Now I know how hard it is to help someone through a past relationship. You don’t want them to be the exact thing that you’ve tried to get rid of, or you become that for them..

But I’m going to be simple and to the point.. Let go of your baggage. Its easier said than done, you have to be willing to take that extra step to make a relationship work. You heal my wounds I heal yours.

Become aware of the problem, Fix it before it goes to far! Let that person know to be patient with you BUT you have to work on changing! Aint nobody trying to be with the “Bag Lady” Badu said dudes go running lol you crowding his space sis! Fix it Jesus. lol

I am quailfied to speak on this. lol

Get YOU together most importantly. If you arent ready for the relationship thing because of your issues, get them togther. Who knows someone might be strong enough to help you with your emotions.

 

 

 

Lifestyle

Child support.

 

I learned something about myself.. I have daddy issues lol

Now, let me explain this..

My father is not a bad man, nor does he have bad intentions. I have never been angry with him because of circumstances and life turnouts.

I have over 20 brothers and sisters NO! I’m not exaggerating. Lol it was like I was meeting a different family member every other week.. and I still am!

I DID not really get to know my father until at least 4 years ago. Now, I’ve met him before.. but I never had a chance to actually build a relationship with him. So like any other young girl in the world without a father, im sure you all can assume that I endured ALOT of dysfunctional relationships and abandonment.

Because of this relationship, I have never had a stable relationship with a man let alone any relationship.. because I was so used to a man not being there or leaving it was nothing for me to cut someone off, and forget about it. Its like ill erase that part of me away and move on with my life. IM QUICK TO CUT A “bleep” OFF SO DON’T GET COMFORTABLE. you know what im sayin? *cardi b voice* haha.

  I’m quick to cut off and remove something out of my life because of abandonment.

How can you miss something that’s never been there? So that phrase began to speak to me.. a couple of nights ago my daughter was whining in her sleep. I began to pat her back, (I was dreaming) and I began to say “Why are you whining?” “You weren’t there.” “You barely even know your dad!” I kept saying this to her and maybe after 15 minutes I realized that my child was hungry  and she needed a bottle, but the strange thing about it was, why would I say something like that to her? maybe what I had experienced projected on to my daughter. It didn’t have anything to do with India it was about ME.

  I am her and she is me.

 

So I began to think, I’m doing this parenting thing on my OWN.. I did this BY MYSELF so why are you upset? No one showed up for me.. I DID this!

I was looking for emotional support. I needed that support.

 

So, with me saying that I was trying to comfort her, while trying to comfort myself. I was basically instiling into her that she has to be strong.. but the way it came out wasnt supportive nor soothing but more so angry.  My father wasn’t there when I experienced what I did. So I had to be strong on my own, like I always have. My abandonment has built my strength. I know it may sound strange but God knew what I’d go through from birth. I don’t look at what has happened as a bad thing but more so a learning experience, a character builder. Im not angry, and im not mad at him in a way I thank him. 

Some steps that im taking and working towards; 

Healing- It definitely takes time, but the outcome is so rewarding. “Im still kind of in my healing process”

Forgiving- This ties into the Healing, once you are healed you can start the forgiving process.

Stop the generational curse- I wont say that I have a curse on my life but abandonment has to be something that I’ve experienced the most. Not just with my father but with other relationships.

With all of this strength that I carry, I want to pass it on to my babies. I need them to be strong, adn understand that its okay, not to be okay. The things that we go through do not DEFINE us! Give your children the best support mentally.

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Self Love

What happens in the past…

What’s in the past… STAYS in the past and that’s normally how we’d like things to go.. BUT what happens when someone gets a hold of your past and brings everything you did up?

Its annoying! It’s embarrassing!

So let me just tell you guys something.. maybe two years ago I got a DNA test done on my son and his alleged father. The test results came back, and he was not the father! Lol like an episode of Maury, I felt like running to the back of the set throwing off my wig and rolling all over the floor! Screaming! Crying! and more, but I didn’t do it. I honestly felt a different type of emotion about this situation. It almost felt as if I didn’t care.. maybe it’s because I didn’t. It sounds so harsh I know.. I didn’t care and that was only because of what I endured during the time. I wasn’t always innocent but being a young mother and your still immature, im sure you get the point of how that went.

Once the results came back, I instantly felt relief. I was at peace. How can a situation like that bring you peace? Even after I was embarrassed on all of social media. I wanted to deactive my pages and hid under a rock, but I thought about it. Why run away from a your problems Chasteny? Learn to work through this situation and move on! Forgive yourself, Forgive Him and move on. It took me almost a year to reach out and apologize to the alleged father, and from that moment I washed my hands with the situation, hoping that everyone else did too.WELL that’s not the case people still have a way of bringing up your past. Even when you THOUGHT left it where it’s at.

 

So one night I was having dinner with a friend of mine and they told me in the midst of our conversation that someone had told them about the baby daddy thing. In my mind I was like  “Ugh this is embarrassing, I’m sure I wont hear from this person again, who’d want to talk to someone with such an embarrassing story.” So I replied and said “Yes, it’s true and I’m not ashamed. Things happen and we make mistakes, I’ve taken that situation and learned from it.” Now, my friend let me know that they had already told the person who brought my situation up and replied “She has already told me.” My friend explained to me that they were not listening to what they had to say about me.

So in my mind, I’m like “WORD” I mean people don’t do that.

Well the people I know like to hold on to everything that you’ve done since birth and belittle you!

Girl she ain’t changed, she still does this.”

“Girl, she doesn’t even know who she is..”

“Man, I dated her back in high school…”

blah blah blah.

Why do people want you to live in the past?

Why do people want you to stay who you used to be? & Not accept who you are now?

Sometimes people don’t realize that they are still treating you like your yesterday.. they are afraid of you are now and what you’re capable of. Because you heard something or knew something back then doesn’t mean it’s the same now!! You never know what someone has been through, so passing judgement on someone because of their past is distasteful and disrespectful. Get to know someone, try not to listen to what everyone has to say about that person.

People can CHANGE.

Let the haters Hate, let them sip their haterade hahaha. Corny moment ha!

 Don’t let them bring out the old you tho! 

Cause the old you just might do something crazy haha. 

 

 

 

 

Self Love

Totally Secure.

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I’m like at my prime right now! like im really happy with myself. Yes! I still have a lot to work on but by far im feeling great! My skin is glowing, my tummy is flat, no male problems, a running car, a home, hair you name it!!!

But even with me being in my prime, I haven’t always been this confident..

Insecurity is real.

To some, They’d think “Oh she has such a beautiful face”, “Two kids girl your body is so  bomb!!”

I wasn’t feeling it tho, my body has been one of my biggest insecurities!

I can’t stand my stomach, no im not being dramatic, I legit have an oatmeal crème pie belly poppin. It’s not sexy and I can’t wear a two piece. I could if I wanted to but I don’t.. Yes I could workout, but let’s be real some of us are lazy!! It’s not an excuse but that’s the truth for me.

Even though I get loads of compliments, I haven’t always felt pretty, I know im not ugly but I haven’t always felt like I’ve looked the best. Some days I found myself becoming jealous of other girls because I felt like I wasn’t pretty like them, I even tried to put myself out there because of attention. The feeling of being noticed which attracts the wrong attention sometimes.. For a moment I began to wear a lot of makeup.. no one noticed it but I wanted to wear makeup everyday. I couldn’t even do makeup but I wanted to wear it everyday because I felt like all the other girls had it on and they are getting the attention I want.

I think us as women all go through a moment where we are seeking and crying out for attention.

I’ve also  been very insecure about my boobs.. Yes my boobs! lol Imagine me, in highschool all of the girls are wearing cute bras and I still have to wear the ugly little undershirts with the little pink bow at the top. P.E was like the worst, I hated having to change into my P.E clothes. I even got caught stuffing my bra! haha, I would put folded socks in my bra just because I didn’t want my bra to look bumpy. HA! I remember reading this book “Are you there God? Its Me, Margret” in the book there was a part where she was trying to make her boobs grow lol and she began to chant with her friends saying “We must, we must, we must increase our bust.”   lol so I was in the car with my mom and I started pushing my chest back and forth and moving my arms in and out. Like I was doing push ups and I started chanting “I must, I must, Increase my bust.” In my head of course. So my mom looked over at me and said “Hey! you better stop” “I read that book”. Talk about being embarrassed, I was about to get straight slapped! lol. Being with a guy wasn’t any better either. I literally would keep shirt on because I was so ashamed of my body.

“Chass, you are leading the pack. Who are you? The leader of the itty bitty tittie committee?” extremely funny now but back then uh no!

My swim suit tops, don’t fit well.. even after having two kids I still didn’t have a full chest. Something so small to you all is something so big to me! I even wanted to get a boob job. I think almost every girl has wanted a boob job.

I’ve faced insecurities in my work place, I felt as if I wasn’t good enough at what I do. I doubted myself “SELF DOUBT.” I felt, like I’m meeting every stat but I’m still off, I decided to send my boss an email. Stating that I’d like to talk with him. I explained how I didn’t feel confident in asking to help out or assist with things within the company because I was afraid of rejection, BUT why be afraid of getting turned down when you are doing such a wonderful job. I was insecure in my work but my work was outstanding!

Insercuties can block so many opportunities and advancements and you won’t even realize it.

How could someone so beautiful not love themselves?

It’s possible, very possible. How you look at yourself and how you treat yourself is everything.

Self Love.. Self love.. Self love.

My insecurities were very noticeable, maybe not to others but to myself. I noticed everything, everything I started doing began to seem like a cry out for attention.

I was an ATTENTION seeker!

How can you be insecure but still want attention?

And that’s just it! you’re insecure ( no im not calling everyone insecure) so when you are unhappy with yourself you look to others to make you whole, you look for something to feed your ego when you don’t even need to do that, you have to be comfortable with yourself and who you are! That’s what makes you unapologetically you!  every insecurity, every flaw, everything you dont like about yourself you began to embrace!

  • Remember that you are not perfect, and no one should ever make you feel that you have to be!
  •  Build your confidence.
  • Be SECURE in who you are

“The things that I hated the most about myself others loved..

Who I am is who ill ever be! I am who I am and im happy with it. I’m comfortable in my skin, I know that im beautiful and worth it. So as I said im living in my prime. Im overly confiendent right now and I loveeee it!

Self Love

Don’t sweat it boo.

Energy is Everything, what you put out can often be mistaken.

I had a moment at my job were I was upset about something, and I brought it to my place of work. I began to take my frustrations out on the wrong people. It was unfair for me to do so, because people who would normally speak to me everyday felt uneasy when I wouldn’t respond.. it wasn’t fair. Now I know im not obligated to speak to anyone but it just isn’t fair when others speak to me when they are down in the dumps.

At that moment I realized, I had brought my personal problems to work. So ANYTHING no matter how big or small lit me up like a firecracker. GRRR! now I’m upset with everyone and its not even their fault.

Stress can really bring out the worst in a person. How someone may handle a problem/situation one way, someone else cant. Not saying it isn’t possible but we all are different. “Different strokes for Different folks.” With all of the stress that a person can go through it can cause, a breakdown and some isolation. Sometimes you just want to barricade your self and your bed and put your phone on DND (do not disturb) for the weekend. No one ever said it wasn’t okay to take a window seat.. that’s totally fine but I think sometimes you have to be a little considerate of others. They vibes you put off into the atmosphere can show so clearly and it might be troubling to some. Especially if they aren’t use to that side of you.

How do you handle stress?

Because baby let me tell you I literally have to take a total chill pill. I’m like the Hulk ready to run through and smash everything in site. No remorse!! Sounds kinda angry huh? Stress can literally make you go crazy.

After my series of events, I took a look at myself. I realized that I’m allowing my mishaps to take control over my life. Which then cause me to be angry and sometimes silent. Definitely a no go.

Don’t let them get the upper hand.

So as I stated I was p’d ff about something that I had brought to work. I basically took someone’s opinion of me to the heart and I allowed it to upset me so bad.

Thug it out, ’cause thugs don’t cry!

Well we cry a little. This statement is just extremely funny to me! So when in doubt thug it out. haha!

I’ll say this being a full time mom, full-time worker, and trying to stay consistent with this blog, and handle alllll of my 100,000 goals and dreams that I’m trying accomplish! STRESS is there! being overwhelmed is there its all there!

I literally have to give myself pep talks and reach out to my Daddy (God) to calm myself down.. It’s important to have someone you can talk to and confide in! Just to keep you afloat. So when I get worked up over something I have to remember don’t sweat the small stuff!

Faith

What’s on your plate?

It’s crazy how we can ask God for things that we want out of life the most.. but once the opportunity  is there, we become scared. You ask God for something.. and it’s what you want but you’re to afraid to act on what you asked God for? I’m laughing so hard at this because I’m guilty of it! I’ve asked God for a number of things and he always seems to show out for me.. BUT sometimes I become to afraid, I began get discouraged, than I second guess what I’ve prayed for. Why! Why do I do that? It’s what I’ve asked for so what is the problem? As they say be careful what you ask for, there is power in the tongue. I’ll tell you what, I believe those statements to the fullest because its true, You speak positive over your life.. positivity comes.. you speak negative then, well you know the rest..

That’s like when someone tells me that I can’t have what I’ve personally talked to God about, who are you to tell me what I can’t have? You must not know who my Daddy is!

So then it comes back to myself.. Do I even want what I’ve asked God for? I’m offend when someone tells me what I can’t have but when God puts it on my plate,  I don’t have an appetite.

I have now allowed fear to distract me from my future.  Fear, seems like such a scary word huh?  Well that’s because it is.. Now I stated above that God is my Father, he is my supplier so he will staisfy  my hearts desires. He will never leave me nor forsake me, I’ve gotten offend when someone questioned what God has for me, so I must understand that I am the chosen one, because I know that my Father has my back 110 percent, I should also know that I should never be discouraged  because God is always with me. My father would never give me anything he knew I couldn’t handle, and I mean some straight up difficult problems were its seems like there is no way out.. but because he is who he is and I am who I am, I have been chosen to push through and live life the way he wants me to. The life im destined to live.

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

I desire to help others, so God setting me up to do just that. So fear cannot take a place of what I’m assigned to do. Though the journey  seems a bit scary, it’s going to be so worth it in the end..  I’m going after what I want, with no restrictions. He said I can have it so im taking whats mine with full force!

Self Love

You C Me.

Sunday Night, I came across something that disturbed me. I began to fill up with RAGE the amount of disgust and betrayal being to cover my body. I began to feel numb.. no emotion, I couldn’t cry! I was not only hurt for myself but for others too. My pain didn’t even matter I was hurting for my loved ones. Now its easy to say just pray about it, it’ll be okay etc, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes we want others to hurt. I took every part of me not to GO CRAZY!

I wanted to expose people like it was going out of style! It’s hard, how can I keep calm with all of this craziness? How? How can I stay calm? I’ve been so strong for so long  but some days I just want to break down and throw in the towel. Why do I have to stay strong? If I could go back to being a child, with no worry and stress it could be ideal.. For a portion of my life I was always  told “You cry too much.” “Crying never solves anything” You’re to sensitive” “You want attention” etc. Now when you are forced not to cry it can lead to no emotion. I can admit I was a super crybaby, but I don’t think people really  understood my pain.. maybe it wasn’t a big deal to you but did you ever think about me? That’s why I hurt for others. I can imagine myself in their shoes and try to feel their pain. My kids, they cry and boy do they cry ALOT! I find myself getting very frustrated with them, and I question “Why are you crying so much?” “What’s Wrong?” now as much as I can’t stand the tears, I can also sympathize with them.

Can I express my feelings without being weak? I feel we all need to break down sometimes. Acting like we have it all together and we aren’t hurting.. Trying to put a smile on your face when you know it’s some DRAMA poppin’ off in your life. STAYSTRONG AND FOCUS. Its easier said than done. I feel that im more than qualified to speak on being strong even when you don’t want to. I have a lot of moments where giving up is an option, but I never give in. Life has been so tough, AND SOMETIMES I feel so weak, but then I remember  that im not only being strong for myself im being strong for my children, my family, friends the ones I care most about. ive always had sympathy pains.. So when they say your kids feel your pain, it’s so true to me! I feel for others so i feel that i have to be strong, this is me breaking down and expressing my emotions im human with REAL FEELINGS. I have to be real with myself and understand its okay to cry and let my guard down! but i also have to be strong. I’m stronger than ever!!! This is only a test, God has been on my life since birth.. I’m destined to be someone great! that’s why I believe God wants me to tell express myself and allow others to see the real me! Be YOU show you’re emotion but always hold your head up high!!

 

YOU ARE MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!

 

Personal

20s

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Patience. I will become what I know I am.”

— Michael Jordan

I just had to be that person who found a Michael Jordan quote because I’m now 23 don’t judge me! Hahaha

So, this past weekend I celebrated my twenty-third birthday! YAY ME! Birthdays are always exciting.. Even though you’re getting older, you’re stepping into a different milestone in your life. Sometimes ( notice I said sometimes ) with age it matures us.

I’m stuck on my twenties right now. It’s a lot of things I had to experience sooner than others my age. I was FORCED to grow up, NOW! that doesn’t mean I was really grown up. Have you ever had that moment when you know that you’re an adult but you have to ask an “ADULT ADULT’ a question because you’re not really adult like? That’s like literally my everyday life. I COULDNT wait to tell someone, “Honey I’m Grown.” Now when I mentioned that I was forced to grow up, I meant that. FRESH out of high school, my own place but a baby on the way. That’s ideal isn’t it? now I could talk more about my life but that’s for a different time. Lets just finish the point of my blog today.

20s.. we don’t have everything together! Not even a little bit, during this time we experience some really great times, but we also experience some really traumatic times. I can’t speak for everyone else but I can speak for myself my 20s, boy my 20s. As I previously stated in my last blog post. Year 22. ( feel free to check it out if you haven’t, I’ve listed a couple of things that I’ve learned in my early 20s). I’ve learned quite a bit, with a lot more to learn. So at this point in my life, I’m living for the moment! I don’t think you all understand how excited I am to be twenty-three!! Like I’m finally up there with my friends. I’ve always been the baby of the group. I’ve never been so excited about accomplishing THINGS IN MY ADULT LIFE. Like for my birthday I wanted cleaning supply! Who gets excited about cleaning supplies lol. This gal does! I just want to encourage you all to embrace your 20s! You only get to experience your 20s once! Bump you’re head and keep pushing, find yourself, push you’re self! I’m at a comfortable state in my life, I’m

enjoying my short comings and mishaps that I’ve experienced in my 20s. All of those things are to mold me for those 30s on up! Let’s go 23!!

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Personal

Year 22.

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As I’m getting ready to exit my age of twenty-two in the next four days. I just wanted to recap on what I learned while being twenty-two *in my Taylor Swift voice*

So without further ado let’s get started.

1.) Be Humble! Kendrick said it best. Humble yourself baby.

2.) Stick to your word, your word is everything.

3.) You are your kids biggest fan, set an example.

4.) I don’t listen.. Literally like 50 percent of the time I’m not listening. Which is like a total bad thing ( not proud of this )

5.) I don’t look good in chokers. I feel like a cat with a collar.

6.) Exfoliate! Exfoliating makes my skin POP!

7.) I’m obsessed with bell peppers and onions. I literally use them in almost everything I cook.

8.) Take Major Leaps of faith!

9.) Stay Consistent

10.) Never be afraid to be yourself ( Unapologetically )

11.) Stay in your word, sometimes we tend to get side tracked.. so many things can get you off track

12.) You will experience loneliness it’s cool, God is just preparing you. Remember some seasons cause loneliness.

13.) Try new things.. food, hair styles, schools, etc

14.) Everyone isn’t your friend

15.) Pay attention, Pay attention, Pay attention! Red flags sometimes appear early on. Act on them

16.) Save! ( still learning)

17.) Invest in yourself and your vision!

18.) Pay them bills Ma! You aren’t about the sugar daddy life so…

19.) Credit is important, you can’t be all fly with bad credit. Looking extra fine and can’t even get a car, house, or a phone bill in your name. Not fly boo!

20.) Stay Faithful. Practice your faith! Trust God.

21.) Keep Growing

22.) LOVE YOU FIRST. Confidence is everything. Be your own BIGGEST FAN!

Age 22 has definitely been full of lessons and blessings. Although I’ve only experienced three years of my 20s I’ve grown so much! I’m not going to have it all together in my 20s. I do know that everything will fall into place, when the time is right. I will continue to go through the process and embrace my lovely 20s. I’m so excited to see what the age 23 brings me!!